My beautiful son, Harry.

If you're reading this, I want you to know something before anything else:

I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you.

There may be things you've heard about me that you don't understand. There may be things you've been told that make you angry with me, confused about me, or make you wonder why I haven't been there.

I need you to know something very important: I have not stayed away from you because I didn't want to see you.

There have been times when I have not known where you were living or how to reach you. I have not had another way to call you, write to you, visit you, or simply tell you that I love you. I have been separated from you without knowing where you were, and that has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to live with.

If you've ever wondered, “Why didn't Dad come looking for me?” or “Why didn't Dad call me?”, I want you to understand that there were times when I simply did not have a way to reach you or even know where you were.

I never want you to mistake that silence for indifference.

I thought about you on your birthdays. I wondered what you were learning, what made you laugh, what you were interested in, who your friends were, and what kind of person you were becoming.

I wish I could have been there for those moments.

And if years have passed by the time you read this, please don't think that the passage of time means I forgot you.

I didn't. Not for a day.

You may have heard things about why I wasn't there. I don't want you to feel that you have to choose between your parents.

You are allowed to love your mom.

You are allowed to love your dad.

You don't have to choose.

Someday, if you want to know what happened, ask me. Ask me anything. I'll tell you the truth as honestly as I can, without asking you to hate anybody.

If you're angry with me, you're allowed to be angry. If you're confused, you're allowed to be confused. If you don't know what you feel, that's okay too.

But please remember one thing:

I never chose to lose you.

If I could have picked up the phone and called you, I would have.

If I had known where you were and could have come to you, I would have.

If there had been a way for me to tell you every single day that your dad loves you, I would have.

I couldn't control every circumstance that kept us apart. But I could control how much I loved you—and I never stopped.

And if you are reading this many years from now and you want to know me, you can find me. You can reach out to me. You never have to wonder whether I would want to hear from you.

I will. Always.

I will never be angry at you for taking your time. I will never blame you for the years we lost. And you will never have to apologize for things that were outside your control.

Whenever you're ready, I want to hear about your life. I want to know who you became. I want to hear your stories, your dreams, your memories, and even the things you might be afraid to tell me.

You were never forgotten.

You were never unwanted.

You were never abandoned in my heart.

I am your dad.

I love you.

I have missed you.

And no amount of time, distance, or anything anyone says can change the fact that you are my son and that I will always love you.

When you're old enough and you want to find me, you can. And when you do, I'll be here.

Love always,

Dad

​

My amazing son, Arthur.

There is so much I wish I could tell you in person.

By the time you read this, you may have grown into a person I don't yet know well enough. That thought is both painful and exciting to me. I wonder what you look like now, what makes you laugh, what you're passionate about, what you're good at, and what kind of person you're choosing to become.

I want you to know that, even though I haven't been able to share those years with you, I have never stopped being your father.

I know you may have your own understanding of what happened. You may have questions about me, about your childhood, and about why so much time passed without us being together.

I won't insult your intelligence by pretending those questions don't matter.

They do.

And when you're old enough to want the answers, I'll give them to you as honestly as I can. Not because I want you to take my side, but because you deserve to eventually hear the truth for yourself and make your own judgment.

There is one thing I hope you never do: don't spend your life carrying anger that belongs to the adults who came before you.

Build your own life.

Make your own mistakes.

Think for yourself.

Be kind, but don't let people take advantage of your kindness. Stand up for yourself, but don't become cruel. Treat people well, especially when nobody is watching.

And don't measure your worth by what other people think of you.

You don't have to become a certain kind of person to make me proud. I already have something to be proud of simply because you're my son.

I'm sorry I haven't been there to give you advice when you needed it, to celebrate the things you accomplished, or to be the person you could call when life got difficult.

I wish I could have been that dad for you.

But I want you to know that the years we lost don't have to determine everything that comes next.

If one day you decide you want to know me, find me.

Don't worry about whether it's been too long.

Don't worry about whether I'll want to hear from you.

Don't worry about whether you'll know what to say.

You can simply say, “Dad, it's me.”

I'll know exactly who you are.

And if you're angry when we meet, I'll understand.

If you have questions, I'll answer them.

If you need time, I'll give you time.

If you want to tell me about the life I missed, I'll sit and listen to every word.

I don't expect you to walk into my life and pretend nothing happened.

I'd rather we start with honesty and build something real from there.

You have a younger brother, too. Whatever happens between the adults, I hope you both always remember that you're brothers. Look after each other. Be there for each other. Don't let circumstances that weren't your fault take that away from you.

And son, wherever life takes you, remember that you don't have to carry my pain.

Go live your life.

Learn. Travel. Love. Laugh. Take chances. Get back up when you fall. Become the man you want to be.

I hope someday I get to know that man.

And when that day comes, I won't care how many years have passed.

I'll just be grateful that I finally get to sit across from my son.

Until then, I hope life is kind to you.

And I hope somewhere inside you, even if it's buried beneath questions or things you've heard, there is still a small place that remembers:

Dad loves you.

He always has.

Love,

Dad

​

I can't wait to see you guys!

My Email is Ben.ledwidge@gmail.com

My Whatsapp is +44 7446368181